You using the whole fist Doc?

Colonoscopy – having someone spend an afternoon in your colon – while not being a ward of the State.

Now the real joy of colonoscopy is the prep work the day before. You get to spend all day running upstairs to the toilet to empty out – if you will – the attic. It’s an ongoing series of sit-downs from noon to bedtime prepping for the next day’s rogering.

And when the supplements you drink to … uhhh … release the hounds let’s say … kick in, you have about 6 seconds before its results want to see daylight. And it’s not debatable. So unless you want to soil yourself over and over again on prep work day, I suggest you get loose and limber up and not wear anything too complicated.

And believe me, just when you think there is nothing remaining inside hanger one, another blast will come flying out of you that makes you feel like you finally unhinged that Snickers bar you ate in 5th grade.

And why does one need to have the back door free and clear for the next day? Well as the Dr. said to me once – “We can’t be running into any ‘debris’ during the procedure”.

Debris? Is that a medical term?

The Doctor – “Nurse, snake another tube up Mr. Johnson’s here as I see something in his … uhhh … what is that … uhh … I see some debris near his Transverse Colon … uhhh … ok … I got it”

Nurse – “What was it?”

Doctor – “My watch”

Then the day of the event, you strip naked, put on a robe (so it opens in the back of course) while leaving your shoes and socks on. So yes, you look like a fucking dork.

You go to the prep room with a bunch of other patients.

They line all of the patients up, about ten of us in the corner of the room lying on our gurneys … there was some confusion over who was next and the Doctor crashed the gurneys into each other while moving all the patients around …

So technically before he could get to their rectum, he wrecked ’em …

Oh the humanity.