You got a Match.Com?

The profiles that women post on this site is stunning.  They list about 1000 traits they need in a man and then state their own interests which include “hanging out by the pool and wine tasting”.  Wow, hard to imagine that any guy who possesses every known positive trait is going to get all giddy over hanging out with some drunk bitch with a year-round tan.

And all the women list how their friends would describe them (my friends tell me I’m funny and smart and laugh a lot) – big deal, they’re your friends and supposed to say nice things.  Women should list how their previous boyfriend/husband would describe them (my last boyfriend said I was a conniving little cunt who will fuck anyone with money).

This site also provides you the opportunity to write about yourself … they all start off the same:

    Oh describe myself?  This is the tough part isn’t it, wow, well I’ll try … and then she proceeds to write a frickin novel about every goddamn thing she has done in her life and how passionate she is and on and on and on … apparently she quickly got over her writers’ block and is now using the website as her therapist.  And one other thing – you might think it and you might believe it and you might even pass a lie detector test about it, but no one else thinks your kids are “amazing”.

If you’re going to provide a profile picture, have it be a picture of just you and not you with a bunch of your girl friends from a concert or party.  Sure you might look pretty standing next to a two-ton Tessie but how will you fare alone?  And if you only post one profile picture, we are never completely sure which one you are in the group picture.  You the one in the middle or perhaps the one smiling?  We can’t be playing Russian Roulette with our cocks.  PhotoShop an arrow or something towards you in the picture.  We can’t show up at a bar thinking we’re getting the blonde from the group photo and then have the tank with the deep voice show up.  

And no pictures of you with your 19 year old daughter either.  You don’t need to ask why?  Perhaps though both you and your daughter could meet me at a bar.  Drive separately.

I would like to meet the guy that wrote the trait-matching algorithm.  It always list three things I have in common with a woman.  It will say things such as:  like you she likes sporting events, music and dogs – well … so did Hitler.  The little Nazi fuck was always petting German Shepherds in his home movies and Wagner was his composer of choice and he loved soccer because soccer – like him – only used one ball.

Also, watch the spelling and grammar with your profile description.  Get someone who looks smart to proofread your profile prior to posting.  The “hot as hell but dumb as fuck” thing only works when you’re young.

And don’t state you’re 50 years old and then post pictures of you (with the date on them) from 1998 as we will hire a sketch artist to do an “age-progression” sketch of you before any contact is made …

… although we will screw anything, we still have standards.