You asleep?

Hell no.

Who the hell sleeps these days?

Perhaps I am romanticizing the past a tad but I do recall a time when I fell asleep around … oh let’s say 11PM and woke up around 7AM and got out of bed.  It was a singular event.  Fall asleep and wake up later.  Not this frickin pants-dance bullshit these days.

These days, it’s fall asleep at 11PM and wake up … oh let’s say 11:58 PM – from a dream too.  Who the hell dreams immediately after falling asleep?  Then asleep again – wake again 2:05 … asleep again – wake again 4:20.  One time I fell asleep and then dreamt I woke up.  Fuck!!!!!!!

I was debating going to a Sleep Disorder Clinic but with my luck that will be the night I dream I am in a three-way with a couple of UCLA cheerleaders and the clinic will have me on video violently sport-fucking the down pillows.

Taking a pill to fall asleep is also scary as there are too many stories of people popping a sleeping pill and then sleep-walking around the goddamn house loading guns or turning on the gas stove.  I can imagine popping a sleeping pill and then walking around my neighborhood at 3:00 in the morning naked with a boner ringing all of the doorbells.

It’s not like I am getting up to pee.  My prostate is strong, unlike Joe Theisman.  That little shit has his commercials for the Super Beta Prostate pill which sound like some serious, serious bullshit.  The commercials can’t be hitting their target audience either as guys with peeing issues always go to the bathroom during commercials.

Anyway, they have the classic goofy testimony from all kinds of dudes (paid as well) saying stupid shit like:

  • Before taking Super Beta Prostate, I dripped, dripped all night long.  I used to chew FlowMax like Skittles, occasionally wore a diaper and would sometimes just pee my pants rather than run to the toilet – but after one dose of Super Beta Prostate, I can now piss a stream clear across the Mississippi River.

If this shit really worked, they would not have used or paid Joe Dickweed to promote it.  You don’t see products that actually work being hawked in commercials at 2:00 in the morning.

So if you have an issue with your urination, don’t listen to a paid former professional football player whose only medical training is possibly getting treated for Chlamydia, go see a Doctor. 

And if you do, the Doc’s fingers jammed up your ass are a bonus.