Who’s behind the Mask?

If I meet one more person for lunch and they take their disgusting mask off and then put it on the table which we are going to have lunch, I am going to commit a murder.

After masks became mandatory I have had several people take their masks off and simply toss it above their plate – towards me – and just leave it there. You know you slimy fuck that that mask has been against your mouth and nose for several hours and you have been breathing and coughing into it like you just got over Pertussis.

Not to mention that you probably have been using it for the past few days seeing as you are a cheap fuck that won’t use a new mask each day. It literally now has the contents of several viruses along with your screaming halitosis and you just fling it on the table next to the bread and perhaps an appetizer as if the mask is the fresh, godly linen they wrapped the baby Moses in before they floated his ass down the Nile.

And each time I politely ask people to remove that thing from the table, each and every person has replied

“Where do you want me to put it?”

It takes a Herculean effort for me not to reply

“As far up your ass as you can possibly jam it.”

Instead I say “Anywhere but the table.”

They take it off the table but they don’t know what to do with it as they don’t want to put it in their pocket cause they know it’s lined with snot and spit and that they’ve been wearing it for three days. They don’t have trouble presenting it to me on the table but they can’t find a landing spot for it on their own person as they know the thing has rickets or scurvy or some beaver-fever virus.

When I asked one guy to take it off the table, he did so without question but it was lined with lipstick — I ain’t lying – and he said to me “Oh my, I took my wife’s mask this morning”.

You did what?

Oh my fucking Howard Hughes, germ-a-phobia, mother-fucking self, you just have masks lying around all the time, used and nasty, and you just casually grabbed one but didn’t notice some cheap, Liberty Street, hooker lipstick on the mask? I saw the bright red lipstick as he folded it and put it away.

I wanted to drink Purell.

My gawd people – get your shit together.