Water, Water everywhere … why?

Hydration – drinking water – all day long … wtf?

Don’t get me wrong, hydration is important but for people to have a 64 ounce monster truck tumbler on their desk with a John Holmes Commemorative Straw sticking out of the top is frickin insane.  No one who works in corporate America (or anywhere else) needs that much water.  I read that 80% of the world’s population lives within 3-5 miles of water – that doesn’t mean they drink it all day.  They swim in it, bath in it, piss in it, and travel on it – they don’t drink it.

Early man was lucky to have a lot water so we can’t be genetically coded to need a gallon of water a day – we’re not elephants.  You see some dumbass get a 32 ounce jug of water and then drink it on his smoke break.  Way to go fuckstick – give them 232-known-carcinogens-in-every-puff a little push through your system.  Shit out a well-hydrated tumor someday.

In fact, until the bottled-water industry started running ads about hydration, people drank water just fine.  Usually when they were thirsty …

… oh no, you have to hydrate before you’re thirsty as being thirsty is the first sign of dehydration. 

Yeah … Blow me. 

And feeling hungry is the first sign of needing to eat. And being cold means get a sweater and not that you’re going to look like Jack Nicholson in the last five minutes of The Shining.  There’s a big goddamn gap between feeling thirsty … to … trying to piss in your own mouth in the middle of the desert.

I tested the gallon of water a day theory.  Here’s what I found out:

1. You piss a lot

2. By the end of the day your underwear is soaked

3. You feel exactly the same as when you didn’t drink a gallon of water
 
 Now restaurants are playing the water game with you. They want to sell you “better” water than just free water. I went into a fairly nice restaurant and this happened:

Waiter – What would you like to drink sir?

Me – I’ll have water please

Tap sir?
 
You tap Sammy

No, House Tap water sir?

Yes house tap water – turn the knob in the back with the “C” on it and bring it to me (the water not the knob fuckhead)

Is the house tap water pulled from the toilet?  Or perhaps the $3 bottled water (which was probably filled from a water hose somewhere in Nebraska with a label slapped on it that says “100% Pure Natural Spring Water”) was what they really wanted to sell me.

They say you need to drink enough water to make your pee clear. 

Easy enough for us dudes but ladies, get a flashlight and remember “front to back, front to back” … especially on date night.