Voice Mail

Do you people know the proper way to leave a voice mail?

 First off, my voice mail is not your therapist so for shit’s sake, be brief. And could you limit the “uhhh’s” and the “uhmmm’s” … half my voices sound like some junky trying to figure out a way to bum a dollar. Hey man, uuhhhh …. uhhhmmm … do you have …. uhhhh … you know …. uhmmm … any … uh … money? 

And although you need to be brief, could you at least say something mildly informative as to the purpose of your call. The – hey, this is Walt, give me a call (… no shit Wally, I see your frickin number on my missed call log) sucks. What the hell did you want as you had the option of saying that on my voice mail rather than the mind-numbing, thought-provoking message of “Call me”. 

I had one dipshit leave me two “call me back” voice mail messages and then he text’d me asking me to call him.  That’s three times the moron could have told me what he wanted – so I ignored the little fuck for about two hours – turns out he had a flat tire and was stranded and needed some insulin but shit how was I to know … he should have had a broader sense of purpose as he crept closer towards his diabetic coma.

If you want to get someone’s attention on a voice mail message, leave them something like this – Hey I killed a drifter to get an erection and I need help moving the body, fucking call me. You know, something like that … although you have to careful with any voice mail message that mentions the word ‘erection’.

So next time you hear the beep, say something meaningful … or hang up.  And also, if you somehow dialed the wrong number and for some reason you listen to the entire outgoing message of the person you mistakenly dialed, there is no need to leave a message stating Sorry, I dialed the wrong number – you … big … dumb … ass