Tumor rhymes with humor

Cancer jokes seem to bomb at parties. 

We need to break that third wall as you can make jokes about Presidential Assassinations (well … other than that Mrs. Lincoln, did you enjoy the Play?) … and jokes about airplane crashes from the son of a President (Q – What does JFK Jr. miss most about Martha’s Vineyard?  A – The runway) … but you can’t make jokes about cancer – even if you have it.

Problem with cancer is that no one wants to talk about it – they’ll ask you how you’re doing, but they don’t want to talk about cancer.  They can’t even say the word cancer sometimes in conversation.

Friend –  How you doing with the thing, your health, you know, the thing you got?

Me – you mean my hard-on right now?

Friend – uhh …no

Me – What then?

Friend – You know, the lymph thing, the health issue

Me – Cancer … the word is Cancer … starts with a hard ‘C’ followed by ‘an’ and then a soft ‘c’ and then ‘er’ … say it with me Can-cer — now once real fast … Cancer … there you got it.  It’s the opposite of chancre which we all know you are quite familiar with as chancre has a soft ‘c’ at the beginning and a hard ‘c’ at the end and some ooze in the middle of your lip.

Friend – Don’t be a dick

Me – You said you didn’t want to talk about my hard-on.

People have a difficult time saying the word cancer. It seems too big a word or they’re somehow convinced if they say the word cancer, they can get cancer. It doesn’t work that way as I say the word “pussy” all the time and there’s no trim anywhere near me. “Blow job, blow job, blow job” … nothing … no doorbell ring from the bored housewife next door wearing heavy lip gloss.

Life ain’t a Beetlejuice movie.

Here are some cancer jokes you can use at parties:

– I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker and said – “You need a lymph?” (lift – get it?)

– Is that a tumor in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

– When ordering something, order in increments of one or three more as I prefer not to hear the words two more (tumor, get it?)

Ahhhh fuck it then.