Ted Haggard

Ted Haggard is a former American evangelical preacher. Known as Pastor Ted to the congregations he served, he is the founder and former pastor of the New Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colorado; a founder of the Association of Life-Giving Churches; and was leader of the National Association of Evangelicals (NAE) from 2003[1] until November 2006.

In November 2006, he resigned or was removed from all of his leadership positions after he admitted patronizing prostitute Mike Jones for homosexual sex and methamphetamine. Initially Haggard denied even knowing Mike Jones, but as a media investigation proceeded he acknowledged that some allegations, such as his purchase of methamphetamine, were true. He later added “sexual immorality” to his list of confessions

After the scandal was publicized, Haggard entered three weeks of intensive counseling, overseen by four ministers. On February 6, 2007 one of those ministers, Tim Ralph, stated that Haggard “is completely heterosexual”.

Hi I am Ted Haggard, aside from looking exactly like golfer Nick Faldo, I am the biggest loser, liar, hypocrite, swindler, did I write loser yet, that ever lived.  Not only was I on the National Stage as the leader of the Evangelical church prattling on the message of “everyone is a sinner and going to hell but people I anoint as worthy” but I was also banging away on some gay male hooker twice a month in hotel rooms paid for in cash you sent me so I could put in a good word with St. Pete and get you a spot in my heaven.

Oh – I spent those donations on meth and other drugs too.

After I was caught doing all of those naughty little things, I tried the standard “FBI playbook” on what to do when “confronted-screwing-male-hookers-in-hotel-rooms-while-talking-to-GOD-all-day-long”, but for some reason, no one believed me.

Thank GOD Tim Ralph and the other three ministers provided me three weeks of counseling culminating in Tim announcing that I was “completely heterosexual”.  That was one big relief because without that proclamation from Tim, I was three seconds away from blowing him.

I’ll be back … as soon as I get this gay thing behind me

UPDATE 2011 – Ted now says he never had “sex” sex with Mike Jones (the male hooker) … let me read between the lines and discern that Ted is now saying that they didn’t have anal sex with each other.  Just blow jobs and hand jobs … anyways, he now says that he would take Meth, get a massage and let Jones masturbate him.  That seems about as dumb as Ted originally saying he bought the Meth but didn’t take it.  And Mike Jones tells a completely different story about their sex – and since I have never met a Male Hooker that lies, but seen Haggard lie constantly, I am going to guess that Haggard is still full of shit. 

Besides, you’re only gay if you push back.