Stay away from the light

There is this TV show that has your standard ordinary ’15 minutes of famers’ talking about their near-death experiences … and it’s always the same story about how they “saw the light” and “were in a tunnel” and “saw their body” and and and … all with the intention that they were almost dead and were starting the long process of going to heaven.  I mean the paperwork alone has to be a nightmare so the whole process starts early – apparently before you’re actually dead.

Which is all fine if you believe in that sort of stuff but you would think that one person who has almost died in the history of near-death experiences would have been a horrible piece of shit person that would have gone to hell.  I can’t believe that everyone who has almost died was going to heaven but you never hear of anyone saying this about their near death experience:
“Fuck it was hot and flames were everywhere and I looked down and saw my body lying on the table and the devil rolled me over and started drilling my ass with his horns and … did I say it was hot?” 
 Maybe their light was from a huge fire and the tunnel was a actually a funnel straight to hell – or to Cleveland. 

People who say they have been abducted by UFO’s are always talking about a bright light too.  Not sure about the whole space alien thing as it seems they usually land somewhere in Alabama, grab some ‘billy’ and immediately probe his ass for some reason.  If the aliens were really that smart, they would just land in San Francisco and grab some of the locals.  Hell, one bright light above the Golden Gate Bridge and a line might start forming … “Oooh take me, take me … I’ll be your subject … experiment on me – I’m fabbbbulous”.

It must be confusing for identical twins when one of them has a near death experience … one of them kinda dies and sees the light while floating above looking down at his body … “Hey is that me or my brother Eddie taking a nap?  Shit, what was I wearing when I left for work today?  Fuck you Eddie you bastard, I’m going to float back down to Earth and pretend to be you and nail your wife tonight”.

And remember – light travels at the speed of light which is pretty fast.