Running on empty

Back in 2016 after 30 months of chemo and other drugs for cancer, I decided to train – in just three months – for a half-marathon. Below is a rant on my last training run before the race.

My left knee is a disaster now. Officially a disaster ranking right up there with any Jack Black movie. Who would have thought my body – after being poisoned for two and half years with drugs invented by East Germany – would break down at some point with a ton of running?

At around mile 3 this morning, my left knee buckled and exploded in a cornucopia of pain and bullshit.

I didn’t bother cussing it out this time as my knee knows it’s a slamhound. I just stopped and waited for it to stop hurting as there isn’t a lot one can do when one most likely has some form of patella tendinitis or bursitis or possibly rickets, scurvy, rabies or beaver fever.

The brace I bought was remarkably a piece of shit. At various points in the run I would stop and rip the Velcro off and re-tighten it as if THAT was the reason my knee was blowing up. Oh sure, of course, the two little Velcro straps not being aligned to the brace – which was bought at CVS for $11 – is the problem. Just get those two little bitches in the proper place and all of the pain will simply go away.

That’s why Orthopedic surgeons make $600,000 a year – because $11 CVS horseshit solves all knee problems.

So I managed around 5.5 miles this morning which means I can run to about the middle of the race next Saturday, at that point I can pull my pants down and get arrested so I can get out of there without calling the Life Squad.

The race is less than a week away and I’m limping around like some Liberty Street hooker at 3 in the morning.

Let’s see:

1. Get stage 3 cancer in remission … check
2. Volunteer for LLS Man of the Year to Pay it Back … check
3. Train for a Half Marathon … you frickin moron