Random Thoughts

I bet they don’t have lights on a Clapper at the Gonorrhea Clinic, thing would be flashing like a strobe light every time a new patient walks in

You know you’re stupid when you are homeschooled and still held back

If Lou Gehrig had played in the National League, he would have died from NLS

Don’t date women golfers who play holes 10-18 before holes 1-9, everyone knows it’s not healthy to go ‘back to front’

Before we had Email, the Internet, Google and iPhones, the Ebola virus was known just as Bola.

The only difference between Baptism and Waterboarding is the amount of water used

If the Port-O-John company started constructing a new manufacturing plant and also kept their inventory outside, you’d never really know when they were done with the building

Sex in your sixties is like sex in college, heavily medicated, sloppy with no recollection of it the next morning

Santa Claus is a sexual beast, once a year he drops a load in every house in the world

Hiking is Camping’s idiot cousin

If you’re born dyslectic there should be a sign or a marking on you so your parents can name you Bob or Otto or something you can’t fuck up

Getting Communion and the Priest said “Body of Christ” and I said … “Uhhh … I’ve seen paintings of him and yeah, we’re roughly about the same size”

If you rob Peter to pay Paul, then I guess Mary can go fuck herself

Grocery Stores are selling Toasted Marshmallow Hand Soap but if you use it and your hands are still dirty, you have to use S’more

I’m opening a store in the Mall, it’s like Glamour Shots but it’s for men … calling it “Money Shot”

I knew a guy who took a Beta Blocker and then could no longer remember the Greek Alphabet

Meeting young women now I just start with “… hope none of you girls are diabetic as your Sugar Daddy has arrived”

A guy was arrested for selling fake memorabilia on Ebay from the TV show Happy Days … he was charged with running a Fonzie Scheme

The only time Monica Lewinsky can wear the blue dress with President Clinton’s sperm on it is if she goes to a ‘Come as you are’ party

As far as retirement, I don’t have ‘Fuck you’ money … but I do have “Fuck this” money

I set my iPhone on silent and a mime called me

I’ve broken up with normal sized women, it hurts, but breaking up with a midget dwarfs that pain

I was on a date last week that was so bad, I took the Roofie

Never invest any time or energy in things that eat and need repairs, which is why I don’t date older women

Dumping your cable TV plan is like dumping a girlfriend … who – while telling her it’s over – starts promising 6 blow-jobs a week and unlimited weekend fucking