Prostate Exam

Prostate exams are not that difficult to get through … provided you’ve been blowing guys in the men’s locker room three times a week.  For the remainder of the us men, the back door is a one way street.  Sure a colonoscopy is more involved but you are not awake during it – although if you wake up during a colonoscopy like I did and tell the Doctor that – The money’s on the dresser Chocolate – it can be awkward.

If a colonoscopy commitment equates to a “weekend sexual romp”, then the prostate exam would be the equivalent of the “quickie” – you get in, you get out.

How’s this for a conversation with your Doctor:

Doctor – Well your lungs, heart and glands all appear normal, the Nurse will be in a few minutes for the blood work, you want the prostate exam?

Me – Sure, you want me to push back a little during the exam and make it better for you?

Doctor – Don’t make me laugh while I do the exam.

Me – Why?  Does it remind you of summer camp when you were 14?

So he performs the exam which takes about 8 seconds and it is pretty much what you expect as it feels like some guy has a couple fingers up your ass looking for spare change.  So when he was done, he pulls his fingers out of my bobo, takes off his plastic glove and throws it in the trash can …

Me – I bet you don’t chew your fingernails do you?

 … but then he stood over me for just a second longer than I thought was necessary … so …

Me – Are we done … or are we doing round two bareback?

He hands me a box of Kleenex and says – Clean yourself up and I will be back in a minute.

Me – You going to smoke a cigarette?

The Doctor leaves and I think … Clean myself up? … WTF????