Periodically be aware

You need to be careful picking up magazines when visiting people’s homes.

For example, I was visiting a buddy and hanging out in the living room when another member of the family walked out of the first floor bathroom and flung a magazine on one of the corner tables next to the couch.

What the hell?

You just had that magazine with you while you were sitting on the toilet taking a shit and then you just pop it back on the table? You had that thing draped over your knees during your sit-down while you were blasting ass-matter all over the fucking place. Who knows what kind of gaseous bombs were pasting themselves to the back of the magazine when you were launching … let alone the nasty muck you stuck on it after you lifted your hand out of your crotch to flip the page. You probably dropped it on the floor when you wiped your ass too and then picked it back up pre-hand washing.

You then kicked it back to the house allowing guests or other family members to leaf through it while they eat chicken wings or other finger foods. Thanks.

And who takes a shit in the first floor bathroom when guests are over anyway? In my world, the bathroom floor dictates what level of atrocities you can perform in it.

First floor, you can only do a #1
Second floor is for a #2
Basement is for jerking off

Either leave the magazine in the bathroom or burn it – or shit upstairs.

And don’t get me started on Doctor’s offices. You ever check out the dates on some of the magazines? Some of them have been in the Waiting Room for six months. Let’s see … 30 patients a day for 180 days all sick as shit thumbing through the same People magazine inking their weird virus and bacteria to the pages. Add in the endless nose picking and booger flinging from the kids …

You just – periodically – have to be careful.