There might not be too many people who have compiled a list of traits in order to achieve the perfect shit, but the number of people who have can’t be that high. To that end, in order for one to achieve a perfect score (and believe me the East German judge is a communist bitch), one must hit on all 16 of the traits below:
No splash – it enters the water stealth-like
Can’t adhere to side of bowl – it must live freely
Clean snap – one wipe and go
One piece
No discernible food particles evident
All one color – no patches or glossy areas
No follow-up turd
Dairy Queen curl at the end of it
Can’t help it along – no pushing – must want to come out
No false starts – no gassy event without firing
Girth and proportion consistent with red velvet theater rope (minus brass hooks of course)
No peeking or work-in-process monitoring
No victory yell – act like you’ve been there before
No pictures – you’re on the honor system
You feel compelled to give it an APGAR test
You immediately tell someone about it
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