iPhones and Elevators

The best use of an iPhone (or a Droid if you feel that buying an Apple product is “the devil himself) is that now when you get on a crowded elevator you no longer have to be in that awkward state of staring at the wall or your feet after you get in the elevator … or pretending to give a shit as you read the maintenance record of the elevator you’re in (“Wow look at that … this elevator hasn’t been serviced in two years – fuck I wonder if I will fall to my death and if so, which one of these ugly broads am I going to dry-hump during the 18 second free-fall?”) … all to avoid having to make eye contact with complete strangers.

Today, as soon as you get in the elevator, you can whip out your iPhone and start tapping away on the motherfucker as if the trek from the parking garage to the elevator was too big a gap not to get your Facebook updates (when we all know you’re looking at porn – www.groovygrannies.com download of the day is sent right around 8 AM).

In the pre-Iphone days, the “walking on the crowded elevator” process was like the Bataan Death March of uneasiness and dread.  Walk in the elevator, head down, push the button, slowly look around for a chick with big tits.  Look away quickly and then look back.  And if the elevator was really crowded and if there were like 20-25 floors before your stop, you stood in front of the crowd wondering if your quick-dress in the morning left you looking like dogshit from behind.  You were always wondering if the people standing behind you were rolling their eyes at the fact that you had all kinds of lint and shit on your jacket.

And as they all got off the elevator before you, you kept jumping and moving around like some of  your meds just wore off as you tried to predict who the hell was planning to leave the elevator.  It was like the end of the game show “To Tell The Truth” when the three contestants all head-bobbed and fake-moved as if they were the dumbshit for the panel to choose.

Now the iPhone has allowed us all to completely ignore all of the oddness of walking into a small room with complete strangers.  Of course, since we are staring at our phone the entire time we will on occasion walk out on the wrong floor, but if you’re like me, you don’t get back in the elevator – no way – play it off, take the stairs the remaining floors and let everyone else stop on your floor for no apparent reason.