Historically, baseball player steroid admissions have trended this way:

First – “I never took steroids” (all accused originally used this explanation)

Second – “I never knowingly took steroids” (got a little smarter about their denials)

Third – “I took some supplements but they weren’t steroids so they must have been tainted” (blame GNC as they stay in business randomly spiking normal supplements with steroids.)

Fourth – “I took whatever my trainer gave me but I don’t know what they were” (although I am a world-class athlete with my body as my source of income, I chose to swallow a handful of pills every day without one question as to what they were.)

Fifth – “I took steroids once or twice back in (pick the year that they got accused or tested positive) but they didn’t do anything so I stopped” … (somehow the urine test lined up perfectly with the one time they took steroids, whodathunkit???)

Sixth – I took steroids for a couple years when I was younger and dumber and wanted to live up to the demands of the contract. (call this the ARod Special – who in fact took massive amounts of steroids to LAND the huge contract.)

Seventh – this one is the “Andy Pettitte” which is – “I only took them to recover from an injury, not to gain an advantage” … (somehow their logic allows them to feel that recovering more quickly from an injury is not gaining an advantage over someone with an injury not taking steroids) … this excuse was perfected by a crying, dry-mouthed Mark McGwire to a stunned Bob Costas who sat in disbelief while Marky Mark said he would have hit 70 home runs in 1998 at age 34 without steroids.  If you’ve ever seen McQuire up close you might think he should have funneled some of his steroid funds to acne medicine.

Honorable Mention – “My trainer injected me with lidocaine and B12” (hats off to Roger Clemens for this idiotic response since he says his trainer injected him in the rear with lidocaine- a local anesthetic – for some reason).  The enhanced “Roger Clemens” position is also a gem – you know, sue the guy who accuses you of steroids when that same guy has all of the syringes, old drug records and money you paid him to provide you and inject you with steroids. Oh and then get in front of Congress and perjure yourself.  Clemens won the lawsuit but nobody fucking believes the gigantic turd.

World Class Honorable Mention is the “Ryan Braun” … which is “the guy from Fed Ex who took the cup of piss I gave him, didn’t mail it directly to the lab and instead kept it in his basement over the weekend” … which of course meant toys kept in his basement came to life at night and loaded his jar of piss with the highest level of testosterone ever measured.  Somehow it worked too.  It’s also the script for Toy Story 4.

Last – the one I am waiting for … “I took steroids to gain an advantage, accumulate huge stats, sign an enormous contract, charge people $50 for my autograph and get laid”