There are a shitload of toy holidays.
There are days that get anointed as holidays not because something happened on the date (like Independence Day or Columbus Day or even a fake but seemingly meaningful day like Thanksgiving – you know the settlers probably killed every Indian they saw and took their food but we make it out like we played Gin Rummy with them while the women cooked and talked about decorating the teepee’s for Christmas), but because someone invented it.
Groundhog Day – great day for a party – middle of winter in some small Pennsylvanian town. Why does the Weather Channel website have an update on whether or not the big fat rodent – who was kept in a box until the morning of February 2 eating and crapping groundhog food – saw his shadow? They pull ‘Phil’s’ ass out of the box and he’s got to be thinking “fuck this shit, put my ass back in the box” but instead they hold the poor little bastard up like The Lion King and see if he sees his shadow. The little guy is saying to himself “Get your fucking hands off me you pervert, what are you, a Scout Master?”
Sweetest Day – one of the all time bullshit holidays made up exclusively so flower shops and jewelry stores and greeting card companies can bridge the time to Xmas. Stuck right in there in mid-October when no one is looking … guys simply can’t ignore the day or it looks horrible to their women forcing another round of having to blast your cookies and temp files off your computer so she doesn’t see you’ve been back to www.dykesonbikes.com again. The only hope you have is to find a woman whose birthday is mid-October – that way you can combine the gifts and get away with not really getting her anything.
Boss’s Day – made up by someone in therapy who had some douche as a boss and the therapist said “Why don’t you get him a gift instead.” to the question of “Tell me why I shouldn’t kill the motherfucker?” …
St. Patrick’s Day – this day is a mid march nightmare as it sometimes rolls on the same day as the beginning of the NCAA basketball tournament and/or the beginning of Spring Break. Everyone wears green and pretends to be Irish. 364 other days of the year, they hate the Irish.
And I thought it always a bad break that Christmas just happens to be the same day as Jesus’ birthday. What a downer. If Jesus was born on another day, we could have had two holidays to celebrate. If Jesus was born on … let’s say October 5 … we could celebrate that October 5 and also Christmas. By having him born the same day as Christmas, we lose an extra holiday. Bummer.
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