Happy Birthday to … no one.

What’s the big deal with birthdays’? Who gives a shit? Once a year, rain or shine.

Before Facebook, unless you were actually friends with someone, no one had a clue when your birthday was – nor did they care. Now – once a year – people get dozens of dozens of FB messages about how special their day is and how cool they are to notice it and send you a message.

Things like:

… Today is your day, celebrate it

… Happy Birthday Dude

… Make it special

… Try and blow yourself … whatever …

And then the day following their birthday, the birthday boy or girl has to then post a response to the people who sent birthday messages … and it’s always the same reply. “Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday, I am truly blessed and you made my day special.”

Wow. Really? People you went to High School with 35 years ago – and didn’t like then and you haven’t talked to since graduation but they found you on FB – somehow made your birthday special. Anyone call or get you a gift — or god forbid … take you to lunch?

They want to wish you a happy day of birth, they should send your mom something. She pushed your big, warped, alien looking head through her cervix and out the love canal, they should give her a special shout out once a year for that trick.

“Happy birth day mom for giving birth to little Joey. We know it had to happen as you are an advanced primate and after 40 weeks, that little bastard is making his prison break and following the mucous plug right out the chute … but damn you did it so congrats on this date years ago.”

Giving birth has to hurt and only women could do it. If guys got pregnant, there wouldn’t be any children and nature would have had to find another way to procreate. If guys got pregnant there’d also be abortion clinics on every corner. Drive-thru clinics actually and there’d be cars especially designed by men so the driver’s seat can turn sideways and lean back allowing pregnant men to hit a button on the steering wheel and the seat would adjust with their legs and lower body hanging out the car window and into the clinic.

Just pull up to the clinic drive-thru window:

“Hello Mr. Johnson, nice to see you. Knocked-up again? Hahaha … How can we help you this time?”

“Yes … standard scrape with D&C today thank you. Make it quick as I have 2 PM Board meeting.”

“Yes sir, Mr. Johnson – as a Rewards Member, you get 20% discount on this one”

 “Great“

Anyway back to birthdays … when you’re a kid, they’re fun and cool as everybody gets you gifts and shit and you get a cake and play games. But also birthdays when younger are exciting as they also lead to something … 10th maybe a phone, 16th you can drive, 18th vote, and 21st which is the final big birthday as you can do anything you want.

Starting with birthday 22 though ……. no-one-gives-a-shit.