Getting a Physical

Let’s explore the wonderfulness of the Complete Physical that awaits everyone around the age of 50.
 
Starting off, the Doc jams two fingers in my ass and I can’t quite figure out if he is checking my prostate gland or reliving his days of being an alter boy. 
 
But before the finger jamming session, the Doc decided he wanted to check me for testicular cancer – which would have been fine – but could he have at least waited until I took off my pants.  Jeesh Doc, you want to do this one at the drive-in?  Turn the lights on with ya. Have some professionalism for christ’s sake. 
 
Then he decides he wants a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample – so I gave him my underwear and asked for a reduced co-pay. 

Then he starts kneading my midsection like Betty Crocker getting ready to make a pie. Doc – what in the world are you doing?  Millions of people die every year from cancer, you think the “push in and grind method” of lump detection is worth a shit?  Why don’t you just bleed the next patient with a virus or throw a virgin off a cliff to keep the spirits away.

And Nurse, could you possibly pump the blood pressure handle a few more times … aside from the fact that I can feel my heartbeat in my elbow, the pad has squeezed my arm to about a half inch and my humerus bone has splintered.

And make sure to take more blood out of my body than an OJ crime scene.  I still have my spleen and bone marrow so I can make more.  So after removing the eighth test tube of blood out of my arm, pay no attention to me as I start holding conversations with dead relatives. Grandma?  That you?  We having brisket tonight? 

And Doc since I am not Linda Lovelace that tongue depressor can only so far down my throat – and get your hand off my thigh too you pervert.

To conclude – the biggest difference between getting a physical when you’re 50 years old (as opposed to when you’re 17 years old) is that when you’re 50, you don’t have to worry about getting a hard-on when you get checked for a hernia.

Click here for audio on the beginning of every hernia check.