Get your ass on there

You’re waiting at the elevator with, let’s say, three or four other people.

The buzzer dings with the up arrow lighting up and the door opens.

And everyone just stands there looking at the empty elevator waiting for someone else to get on the elevator first.  As if there is some sort of courtesy involved with the process.

After you, no after you … no I insist … I wouldn’t hear of it ... screw all of you.

There ain’t no courtesy policy.

The person closest to the elevator door gets his dumbass on there first.  Otherwise, he/she has to move out of the way to let someone else go first.  Everyone is within about two feet of each other and the door.  Why would you move and gyrate out the way while standing 10 inches from the door?  Move and gyrate forward you fucking idiot and get on the elevator. 

The elevator door is timed – it’s not going to remain open while you and your moronic clan play paper/rock/scissors to see who gets to walk on the fucking thing first.  The more time you dick around, the higher the chance you are going to have the door start to close on some 75 year old woman heading to her gynecologist appointment.  Oh jesus … I just threw up in my mouth a little bit with that visual.  What’s the Blue Book on a 75 year old ‘gina anyway?  Depends on the mileage and condition.

And if more than one person is getting off on the same floor, the same rules apply.  If you’re getting off on the 6th floor and you’re standing two inches from the crack of the doors, and then the doors open and you do anything other than walk out of the elevator, I will personally stab you in the balls with $400 Waterman pen.

Or I may ask the old broad with the ancient, hick beaver to flash you.