You can’t count on the wind

Several years ago I was at the Reds game with my son and we were sitting in the first row of the section. We were eating ballpark food the entire game and around the sixth inning or so I could feel my stomach starting to go spastic from all of the various items consumed from Brats to Peanuts to Nuggets … on top of and added to whatever I drank or ate the night before.

My son went to the restroom and while he was gone I felt a major event coming soon but I couldn’t leave as all of our stuff was under our seats. He wasn’t back and things internally were starting to get really bad. I felt though that if I could just pass some gas I could probably make it for another hour or so and get the game over with and make it home.

It was a windy day so I thought if I just farted out the right side of my butt, and away from these four teenager boys to my left, that the blast would just get caught up in the wind and be gone.

So I let it rip …

And immediately the wind stopped.

This giant ball of stench, now with no wind, just hovered over me while slowly drifting to my left and over to the four teenagers. And it was literally the worst thing I think I’ve ever produced – a truly horrific scent.

I thought it might go unnoticed until the guy next to me screamed “Oh god, what’s that smell?!?!” and then the second guy screamed “Oh jeeesus, what is that?!” and then buried his face in his coat. About a second later he lifted his head from his coat as if it had passed and took a breath and screamed again “Oh gawd, I can taste it.”

At this point I was still pretending all was ok but teenagers 3 and 4 were now starting to gasp for air and all four of them were going nuts about it. I had to do something or look guilty … so I leaned over to them and poked my thumb backwards several times and said:

“It came in from the North”

Within a few minutes my son arrived back and I asked him to look over my shoulder to see if those four kids were still alive. I was waiting for a return blast from one of them as they had to pass by my seat to get to the aisle but I got nothing from them.

They were probably still in shock.

You can’t count on the wind.