Buffets

Have you been to any buffets lately?

You know, buffets … food for people who’ve lost the will to live.

Hey I have a great idea, let’s make a giant amount of horrible food and stick in under 300-watt light bulbs and then charge people $14.95 to eat it.

How can anyone eat this shit?  You would not make a big pile of food at home and stick it on some table in the middle of the room without covering it up with a lid or something. How can anyone walk into a buffet line and eat food that has been sitting – without adult supervision – under heat lamps for up to three hours? You have dog-shit eating flies buzzing around buffet tables landing on everything and who the fuck knows how many spiders have died in the salad bowl.

Buffets are like Zoo exhibits with all of the aphids and assorted creatures milling about. Pay no attention when one of your black olives has legs.

Also, have you ever examined the glass cover guards on top of the buffet tables?  The tops are all covered with spit, nose hairs, ass-matter, buffet food and all kinds of unimaginable muck.  It is statistically impossible for 100% of the possible projectiles from the buffets patrons to land only the buffet tops.  The remainder lands in your pasta salad and cream of boogers soup.

People walk around the buffet table making comments like:

 “Was that chicken glazed the first time we went through the line?” … or

“I don’t remember the pudding having raisins in it?” … or

“Why is the salad moving?”

It is amazing the amount of prudence people will ignore at a buffet.  You will follow the same people through a buffet line that you would re-write Homeowners Association by-laws to keep from moving into your neighborhood.

And along with your Frisch’s buffets and Chinese buffets which are both just nasty, you also have fancy hotels and restaurants that offer buffets. They will have shiny gold containers for the food with Calligraphy written titles next to them like Salmon Pompadour or Prime Rib Aerietto. 

Screw that.  Bullshit with fancy letters is just a higher grade of bullshit. 

Nose hairs, spit and ass-matter can land on any buffet.

And remember if you return to the buffet for a second helping of food – you have to get a new clean plate – you wouldn’t want to get sick would you?