As Steely Dan once sang …

… when Black Friday comes —

Black Friday is so overdone and trite that it now means the entire time period to ‘start’ the Xmas shopping season. It used to actually mean something specific – which was – idiots got up at 5 in the morning the day after Thanksgiving and stood in line at actual stores to buy shit. Supposedly the prices were so low that people would bodyslam old women to get them out of the way.

Ahh the 80’s and 90’s – back when you had to be an ex-Marine or something in order to get the best deal. It was also before you could carry a loaded weapon anywhere you wanted to so there were few deaths. Have a more defined, store-centric Black Friday today and you’d have people with Glocks going:

“Drop the 50% off-sweater motherfucker .. that’s right … now kick it over to me … now! … or I’ll put one between your titties”

Back then stores were closed Thursday for the Holiday and got ready for the onslaught the three days prior to Thanksgiving … and then spent Friday before dawn watching untold number of sleep-deprived women going ape-shit over a 50% off sale item. The guys slept in on Friday, woke up late, rubbed one out and ate leftovers while watching TV all day.

Not now as some enterprising young punk was sitting around a retail sales team meeting several years ago and said … “these nutty broads will organize and go shopping whenever we open, they’re like Pavlov’s dogs, store light shines ‘Open’, they get all wet and start buying anything we say is a Black Friday sale, so let’s open Thanksgiving Day around 9 PM”.

Next retailer says “Fuck it, we’ll open at 8 PM then”
Another one says “Fuck them, we’ll open at 7PM”
… so now Black Friday is just a big bowl of fuck.

And if you didn’t get your kicks running around all BF Skinner-like during Black Friday, then Cyber Monday can help. Along with your porn habit, your computer can also be pointed aimlessly at anything stating Cyber Monday.

Retailers literally do a Search for the words ‘Black Friday’ and Replace them with the words “Cyber Monday’ and sell any shit remaining to the same crazy broads still moist from the Black Friday ‘Open’ light. The guys on Cyber Monday have two tabs open – one at Amazon and the other at http://www.handjobtraining.com

And to top it all, after all of this planning and activity, ask anyone at the beginning of December if they have their Xmas shopping done and they all say …

“Ohhhh … I haven’t even started yet.”