Are those Dad’s balls?

Back in 2002, my dad was being treated for cancer with some high powered chemo. He was in the hospital for several days and to get him out of the lousy place, he came to live with me until he was strong enough to go to his home.

But he stunk — bad – as apparently the VA hospital sponge baths didn’t include soap or water or sponges.  And since his 1990 head injury incident, he wasn’t like a normal guy who would be sitting around his hospital room all day and night figuring out a way to get some nurse to wash and joggle his balls.

So my brother and I took it upon on ourselves to give our dad a shower, and let me tell you, you can’t un-see that shit.

He was too sick to stand and he was ok to be naked so we stripped him down and sat him on a metal chair that we put in the shower. I looked at him in that chair and thought – “Fuck, those are what my balls are going to look like when I’m age 73”.  It took all I had not to fill up the hot tub, plug in a toaster, cradle it and jump in.

And then it hit me, I have to wash those fucking things as my brother was ahead me and grabbed the shower handle and said “I’ll hold the water over him while we do this”.  Fucker always was pretty smart.

Instead of using a smaller wash cloth, I grabbed a giant towel for the washing as I would have quickly grabbed my 18 inch chainsaw and hacked off any body part that slipped and accidentally touched my dad’s dick during the shower.  So I soaped the hell out of that beach towel and started at my dad’s head and worked my way down while my brother did the hard part of ‘holding the shower handle’.

I’m still in therapy dealing with the atrocities of soaping and squishing a giant soapy beach towel all over my dad’s balls.

So as we’re drying him off we notice his toenails are about two inches long and thick as Canadian bacon – and an odd shade of yellow. So I get the nail clippers but the toenails are too thick to clip all at once.  I have to go at them from the side like hacking a giant tree. This process had toenail chips flying into my face and after one hit my eyelid, I went down to the garage and got my weed whacker goggles.

 Took me about 20 minutes and those little nasty yellow toenails chips were flying all over the place ricocheting off my goggles while I pursed my lips to avoid a stray chip landing on my tongue.

Running the sweeper over the area afterward sounded like I was sweeping up coins as the toenails were rattling around in there like crazy.

Ahhh – good times