Gee whiz

As you age, long drives can be an issue as you still need to hydrate but apparently the start to finish from bladder to pee-pee is quicker than in one’s later years.

Earlier this summer I was about 45 minutes from my destination – and in the middle of nowhere – and I have to piss – bad — like “I could water the Erie Canal to the point where they’d have to upgrade the Locks” bad.

So I have three choices, suck it up and ‘floor it’ and get to the destination fast – but that is not going to work because I might be able to ignore it but as soon as I get out of the car and take one step, gravity is going to force a tsunami right out of me.

I could pull over and piss in some farmer’s field but shit I was in the middle of “Government ain’t taken my guns” land and some Jethro would point and shoot immediately if he sees a stray cock near his corn.

Soooooo … I opted for choice three. While whizzing (literally) down a country road at 60 MPH, pulling out my johnson, finding the large cup I brought and piss in it. Ironically this is the same cup that had a quart of water in it an hour ago so it feels fitting to return it back home.

So I looked for a stretch of fairly straight road, unzipped and flopped my Willie in the cup – and said – “There you go buddy.”

It took a little convincing to let loose as one’s body does has some muscle memory of where and when to play ‘Splash Mountain”. But it finally started and it felt great until I looked inside the cup and it was about 2/3 of the way full and I was not even remotely thinking the fountain was close to draining.

So I had to make a quick call, go Full-Kegel and snap it shut hard and risk blowing my Prostate back to 1987 or attempt a slow burn and watch it not work and then have a hurricane Katrina levee-break of piss all over the front seat of my car. I chose the slow burn and capped the well just in time.

Tossed the contents out the window, said ‘Nice work Buddy’ and zipped up.

I kept the cup, cleaned it and put it back in the cupboard.

Can’t wait for you to come over for lunch.