Just a few tips when you encounter someone who is tandem skydiving for the first time. I will help you out with some comments that you should skip because they are the same thing every person says.
Skydiving is an extreme activity for sure but so is Mountain Climbing, Rock Climbing, Drag Racing, crossing the street while on Facebook, dating Caitlin Jenner, drinking the water in Flint and – of course – fingering your sister. But it’s not like the fucking thing was invented last year and the bodies are everywhere. It’s been around a long time and they seem to have the kinks worked out or anyone qualified to open a skydiving business would – by now – be deeply pocketed into a hill.
But yeah, choosing to do it is an odd thing but it’s not that crazy … I mean, you are falling out of plane at 14,000 feet so you’re definitely nervous as hell but that is sort of the purpose.
Some defending it will say that it is more dangerous to drive to the skydiving location than it is to skydive itself. Yeah? So what? I hear that shit all the time about airline travel. It’s more dangerous to drive anywhere than it is to do almost anything once you arrive (unless you drive to a MAGA rally wearing a Bernie 2020 hat).
So here they are – things not to say to people about skydiving:
1. Why would anyone want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane?
Wow – so deeply thought out. Do they think they’re being clever that somehow no one ever said this? How do you answer it as the entire definition of skydiving is that you jump out of a goddamn airplane.
What Guys? This is a perfectly good airplane? WTF?!? I want my money back as I thought you crashed the plane forcing us to jump out. If this is a perfectly good airplane, then fuck it. I was misled. Always wondered how you guys made money anyways charging only $300 a jump but having to buy a new Cessna for every customer.
2. Did you shit yourself?
Yes – we all shit ourselves, That’s why professional skydivers start a tandem skydiving business, so random and complete strangers day after day can launch ass-matter all over them at 14,000 feet. That’s how they attract the best employees … it’s exciting work and ok pay, daytime hours, medical and dental coverage along with loose but tangible adult turds whizzing towards your face on every jump.
3. Am I in your Will?
Oh I get it … it’s dangerous and I might die so you want to get in line. Funny shit man …. we all laughed at the cleverness of you putting together skydiving risk with State Probate laws. Well since driving is more dangerous than apparently anything, do you say this to people a lot …
Hey Bill, I’m out of here, got to drive back to work.
Am I in your Will?
What? No ass-eyes, you’re not in my Will … your wife’s on my balls though.
4. I bought life insurance on you and made myself the beneficiary.
You are one clever motherfucker … and sure go ahead and buy a big life insurance policy on me and then three days later I’m dead … nothing to see here FBI, move along Agent Smith … it’s just a guy with a million dollar tax free check from MetLife who bought insurance on someone who died in less than a week. Hope they don’t view the webcam at the Skydiving place and find you sneaking in a 3am carrying scissors and fucking around with the Rip Cords.
Honorable Mention goes to:
– That is dumb as shit
– Don’t look down
– Why?
Geronimooooooooooooooo
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